You Vs The World

Hi, it's me again.

I just finished preparing my documents to be sent to UMS tomorrow. It's a UPU matter, I hope I'll get a course there I really can't wait to further my study! Most of my Poli's friends are undergoing their degree right now, and I am 8 months late.

But there's one thing that concerns me the most, if I really do get the chance to study this September, will I ever get friends? I mean, my social skills are EXTREMELY LOW. No, not kidding. I don't like talking to people unless they talk to me first, and I also don't like to pretend that I like to befriends with people that I don't like to be friends with. That's one factor. Another factor is, my self-confidence is near to nil. That is probably because I focus too much on my physical appearance and I'm not comfortable with it. I am quite fat, and I don't think people love being around fat peoples like me. My face is not friendly at all too, that's probably one of the reason that repels people away from me. It's hard being a social chameleon, it's hard getting along with people that doesn't have the same way of thinking as you.

I would like to share some real-life stories that I've been through before. Back in '06 when I was transferred to a new school located in the heart of my city which is SM Lok Yuk Likas, I never thought I would get any friends there. But it's surprisingly easy to get along with most of the peoples there, because one thing I realized is most of them are open-minded, just like me. We have a lot of topics to be talked about and we laughed a hell lot! I really enjoy my times at my old highschool, I didn't regret any seconds I've wasted there. I even stayed in contact with most of my close friends from that school. And then 3 years later I furthered my diploma at Politeknik Kuching Sarawak. Trust me for a person like me, you wouldn't enjoy the surrounding and atmosphere. They are completely the opposite of my old highschool, and the peoples there are just... I don't know how to say this, lame probably? I've tried to get along with them and it's very excruciating and hard. I can't do that. I only have a few "friends" there, only about 8 or 9. Pathetic isn't it. I don't have anything to talk about to most of the peoples there, we don't have much in common. It's a pretty hard life living in that place for 3 years. I just wish I won't be in a place similar to that in the future.

What I am trying to do now is to improve my social skills, I even hate talking to people I don't know on the phone but I am trying to change it now. I just wish the best for myself.

The Way I Fell In

Sometimes you just get to one point where you just leave everything the way it is, not trying to make it better or worse and I think I just arrived at that state right now. I don't know what I want, I don't know where my life is leading me and I don't know where do I lead my life, I don't know what I want in my life. I'm not sure if I just have to go on and find another job or I'll just further my study. Nothing makes me happy again, everything is ruined and everything makes me tired. Everything makes me feel sick. I can't decide what's the best for me, I don't know what I want. I can't just rely on other people to think of what's the best for me. I'm in the shittiest state of myself nowadays I don't even wanna go out and meet people. I think everything in my life is going down, my self-confidence everything is falling apart. I just... I just don't know how to start over. It seems like everyone else in my life is getting better from day to day and I'm just here standing still. Even peoples from my past have moved on. I have no talents, I can't do anything right, everything about me is so lame. I just... I really just wanna let this all out because I don't have anyone specific to talk about all this shit. This is what I've been feeling these few days.

I am so tired of everything.

Plainsong.

I almost forgot that I own this place.

I don't know, I just... I've been experiencing with wild mood swings for the rest of my post-adolescence life. Sometimes I feel happily eager and cheery, sometimes I feel so irritated it irritates me so much that I want to hurt myself so badly and just cuss my heart out but I just couldn't do it. Most of the time I feel like I am living in a world filled with ugliness in every aspect and I just couldn't stand it anymore. I can pull the trigger if I want to, but something in me forbids me from doing so. I am still sane. I haven't lost my grip on reality. I'm trying to convince myself from day to day that I am just tired and I just need some rest and don't take life so hard and stop being so pessimistic. All my life that I have wasted was based on my sole thought of "I exist in this world, and that's it". I'm so tired of everything that happened around me, I'm so tired of all the dramas and unwanted faces and I'm so tired of feeling so miserable and hopeless. I'm so tired of being the loser, standing on the sideways watching people grabbing victory of life and surrounded with unlimited happiness which I can't seem to acquire. Sometimes I feel I should just lock myself up in my own house, away from everyone and away from every people who hurt me the most, who pretends to care about me and away from all the people who loves me, as if there is any. If I could i would just pack my things up and mortgage everything I have here and go far far away to other place. I just wish it is possible for me.

Rants!

Hi everybody! It's been a long time since I post something here. Well today I am going to post something (duhh why do I even mention this) and I'll just share random things happening around me. 

Today I woke up late because I sleep late last night just to watch all The Cure shows at Bestival last Saturday. So I ended up being late at work (about 40 minutes late) I hope next time it won't happen again =.=" Actually last Saturday I sleep late too because I want to keep up with Cure show at Bestival at Tumblr, Twitter and CureConnections. I'm so mad at myself for not going there because I'm broke as fuck but thank God there's a heap of curefans updating information (post updates, pictures, what's happening) to specified websites straight from the Bestival, I just want to say I really really love you guys! And one thing I regretted, I should've called one of my tumblr followers who goes to Bestival Cure show when they sing Disintegration. How stupid! I am so mad at myself right now I don't even know how to explain what I feel right now I just, I don't even, I just... ARGHH! I just hope after this The Cure will come to Asia and I will surely go!